Just because the English and Kiwi cricket teams won’t visit Zimbabwe and Kenya doesn’t mean you shouldn’t! These countries are the perfect destination for thrillseekers who know that a constant chance of sudden, violent death is the key to great adventure travel.
In fact, the only hard part – apart from staying alive, of course – is working out which one to visit first! (We advise you to start with whichever seems the safest, as then there’s a slightly higher chance you’ll get to visit both.)
When to go
The only time when it’s an extremely bad idea to visit Zimbabwe is during one of the nation’s celebrated elections – also known as orgies of violence, whereas at all other times it’s just a regular bad idea.
Places to stay
Accommodation in Zimbabwe is very simple to organize. All you have to do is find a farm whose white owners have recently been displaced, and sleep there for a few days until the new black owners move in. These farms are easy to locate – just look for a white family running away screaming, and head in the direction from which they’ve come. Easy!
Finding a place to stay in Kenya is more expensive, in that it is not completely free. While a large range of accommodation is available, you will just need to follow one very simple rule – don’t stay in any Jewish-owned hotels, because they will probably be blown up. The fact that most Jewish hoteliers have recently fled the country along with the other foreign investors makes this relatively simple.
Eating and drinking
Mugabe’s campaign to remove all aspects of imperialist white culture from Zimbabwe has had unexpectedly positive effects on the nation’s cuisine, as it has meant the return home of all the country’s British chefs.
The staple of the Zimbabwean diet is a white maize porridge known as sadza. It is often served with a nyama stew made out of impala. This largely explains the lack of proliferation of Zimbabwean restaurants in other parts of the world.
The traditional meal among Masai tribespeople in Kenya is a bowl of cow’s milk mixed with cow’s blood. The added blood makes the milk tastes fairly horrible, though not as bad if you had added Milo. Nevertheless, this traditional delicacy should be tried by all visitors. The taste and quality doesn’t vary much throughout Kenya unless you make the mistake of purchasing your blood-milk beverage from a Starbucks.
Things to see and do
Almost all visitors to Africa go on safaris where they can observe animals roaming in the wild, living in their natural habitat. However, Zimbabwe is the only place in the continent where you can observe white humans roaming in the wild, having been displaced from the traditional black landowners’ natural habitats.
If you’re planning to drive around the slum areas where the formerly wealthy white landowners now live, make sure you do so in a large, luxurious 4WD. If you do, the wild animals will come right up to your vehicle and tell you how they used to own a nice car like yours before a crazed mob set it on fire.
Thousands of visitors descend on Kenya’s magnificent Masai Mara game park each year for its annual Stampede of the Wildebeest, when they head en masse to the Serengeti. This is always followed shortly afterwards by the Stampede of the Obnoxious Tourists, when they head en masse to the bar.
One of the most popular pastimes in Zimbabwe is watching cricket. Despite its status as something of a minnow in the world game, Zimbabwe has produced some truly fine cricketers such as Andy Flower and David Houghton.
There are few finer places to watch the game than in the old-style finery of the Harare Sports Club, the country’s most famous ground. It’s highly recommended to all visitors in the unlikely event that other international teams are foolhardy enough to come and play there.
The entertainment at the cricket doesn’t stop at stumps. After the TV cameras have been switched off, you’ll be entertained by a shooting demonstration performed by the Zimbabwean military as they cull pro-democracy protesters who’ve attended the cricket match to try to gain some international sympathy. Some of the army’s snipers can kill an unarmed protester from hundreds of meters away.
By contrast, at cricket matches played in Kenya, the brutal beatings are only administered to the home team.
Society and culture
It is not advisable to wear black armbands in Zimbabwe, even if you’re a cricket legend. It will be seen as an illegal protest against the regime, or worse yet, a criminal attempt to gain a free farm by passing yourself off as black.
While there are not many adequate hospitals, there are plenty of people who are highly skilled in killing pro-democracy leaders. This is because the Zimbabwean government has chosen to divert its funding from health care to health impairment.
Dangers and Annoyances
Despite the enormous unrest in both these countries in recent decades, the most significant risk to your well-being is one that has been a constant threat throughout Africa for centuries – Christian missionaries. If approached by one, stand completely still and hope they will not notice you. Whatever you do, show no fear.