Traveling to Melbourne

Melbourne is Australia’s comedy capital, and they say it’s the most livable city in the world. (What’s more, they’re right.) Bold claims like these immediately inspire visitors to try and find a way of taking those boastful Victorians down a notch or two. We’ve provided a helping hand.

Getting around

Melbourne is fantastic city just to walk around. The wide, leafy streets make this extremely pleasant. To encourage visitors to do this, Melbourne’s city planners have craftily installed a public transport system, that is substantially slower than walking: trams.

Despite their slowness, though, the trams are fantastic for sitting back and watching the world go by – invariably faster than you are. The authorities have also sensibly set a pricing scheme where you really get what you pay for, making fare dodging so easy that the teams are effectively free.

The city’s wise planners also managed to overcome the formidable challenge of the motorcar. They have rendering driving in the Melbourne CBD both impossible and dangerous by introducing the “hook turn”, a rule requiring people to turn right from the left lane. This enables drivers to avoid passing trams and not avoid fatal collisions with other cars.

Orientation and information

Melbourne’s CBD is laid out in a grid pattern which makes the city both very convenient and very dull. In fact, most major landmarks are within a short walk of the city center. This is largely because there aren’t many.

Entertainment

Melburnians love to drink in small, exclusive bars. This way they can pretend they live in New York instead of somewhere so second-rate that it isn’t even the best city in irrelevant Australia. The local rule of thumb is that the harder a bar is to find, the cooler it is.

Take the “ultra-hip” Croft Institute, an establishment so desperately trying to be obscure that it’s carefully hidden away in a Chinatown back alley behind a series of dumpsters. And even if you find your way there, a doorman (this place is way too street-smart to have bouncers) will inform you that it’s members-only, so tourists can’t possibly enter. While Melbourne’s embrace of social apartheid can be frustrating, it is actually a blessing in disguise, as it protects visitors from drinking with cunts.

Things to see and do

The only place in Melbourne where any form of entertainment may be pursued is Crown Casino. This is due to the special closeness between former manager Lloyd Williams and the Kennett Government, a relationship most accurately termed “corrupt”. Cinemas, bars, restaurants, nightclubs, exclusive boutiques a video arcade and even a tenpin bowling alley may all be found within the Crown complex, where they may be momentarily enjoyed before you blow your week’s salary on the slot machines.

Eating and drinking

Melbourne is the home of Greek and Italian food in Australia, which almost makes up for it also being the home of execrable wog-based humor. Such traditional favorites as moussaka, ouzo and baklava may all be found in the both city’s many Greek taverns and the tired comedy of Nick Giannopoulos.

The city is also renowned for its vibrant cafĂ© culture. This may be because Melburnians appreciate coffee more than anyone else in Australia, as it helps them deal with the city’s sub-zero temperatures. While there is some debate over whether Melbourne’s coffee is better than Sydney’s, no-one doubts that the city is the one place outside of Italy where one may order a caffe latte without being laughed at.

Places to stay

We recommend you stay in Sydney.

Dangers and annoyances

By far the greatest danger in the state of Victoria is Australian Football League (AFL). Getting trapped in a conversation with any native Melburnian about their footy team is even riskier than asking the average Israeli whether they’ve much time for Palestinians.

The game is only played in the poorer, underdeveloped parts of Australia – that is to say, everywhere except NSW and Queensland. It is entirely incomprehensible to foreigners, who are always surprised to learn that cricket is in fact not the most arcane, obscure and dull game played on cricket grounds.

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